by Thomas Keister

Yeah, I actually read a newspaper every morning with my first two to four cups of coffee. The Louisville Courier-Journal, to be exact. Not going into specifics, but I usually read the comics second, right after the moron who covers pop culture, but that's a story for a different time. This Beetle Bailey strip ran in the July 14th Feature section. I have to admit I was not prepared for this level of fresh WTF so early in the morning.

Okay, so General Halftrack is looking pretty nervous. Of course, I suppose that's natural and all, seeing as how he is ass up, and a doctor is not warning of discomfort, no sir, he says "This may hurt a little." Not to mention, you can not see the doctor's other hand, and there's no glove. What the fuck kind of doctors they got going on in the military? That ain't even Honduran medical school bad, that's just fucked up! This really does not bode well for the Ol' General. This is some sick shit. This is bound to end up on the Internet. Oh wait...it did.

Oh my lord, I think the doctor just fisted General Halftrack. The old guy looked like he got just harpooned by a Japanese whaling ship! I know he's an incompetent, miserable, borderline alcoholic with a shitty golf game. But damn, there's laws against abusing the elderly. And then, there's the doctor's excuse..."I was just putting on some skin cream." What the fuck, man, are you putting it on his colon? I mean, there's has to be a reason that shit would hurt, and judging by the way this strip went down, it has got to be your technique. Maybe try not going elbow deep in a motherfucker? I'm just saying, is all. I don't imagine comic strip or military doctors worry too much about malpractice insurance, but somebody should start worrying about Greg and Mort Walker. I think they have been at this FAR too long, if this is what they are thinking for a Tuesday.

by Thomas Keister

TNA broadcast their last Impact! before Victory Road tonight, setting in motion the final plays from all sides involved as the pay-per-view approaches this Sunday.

Tonight's episode started with a surprisingly trim ten minute exchange between Mick Foley, TNA World Champion Kurt Angle, and eventually Sting, leading to the Icon asking Foley to give him a match with Angle. Before the executive shareholder/Number One contender could answer, Angle cut him off to not only accept, but to "tweak" it into a Six Sides of Steel match! Not bad for a main event leading into a pay-per-view! As Impact! cut to commercial, however, it was Samoa Joe in the spotlight, as he was assaulting Amazing Red in advance of their match.

Back from the break, Joe had beaten Red to the ring to finally get the match underway. No sooner than the bell rang, however, Rudy Charles was disqualifying the "Nation of Violence" for making contact with an official. The action ended with TNA Security holding Samoa Joe at bay with nightsticks. Finally, ringside security that acts like they got a pair!

Chris Sabin had Motor City Machinegun partner Alex Shelley in his corner for non-title action with X Division Champion Suicide, furthering their crusade to unmask the mysterious star. This match started at typical X Division pace, with both men displaying solid chain wrestling aerial playbooks. A brief distraction by Shelley allowed Sabin to take the lead, but Suicide eventually solved the numbers game, pinning Sabin after hitting the Suicide Solution. The Guns attacked the champ following the match, leading to a run-in by Homicide, deciding to cash in his "Feast or Fired" briefcase and pinning Suicide after a blink of a match to win the X Division Championship! This was a nice surprise leading into Victory Road.

Two new Knockouts made debuts tonight, as Alissa Flash faced Sarita, who has been hyped the past few weeks with video montages. Flash brashly had the announcer add "The Future Legend" to her introduction, and she came to win against Sarita, who only had brief chances to display her high flying style as Flash kept up an aggressive and relentless pace. Sarita would pull out the win after reversing a victory roll, but this was no doubt an occasion where Flash was more impressive in losing than Sarita may have been in winning.

Scott Steiner, Booker T, and Kevin Nash represented the Main Event Mafia as they battled TNA Legends Champion AJ Styles and TNA World Tag Team Champions Beer Money, Inc. in 6-man elimination tag action. This preview of two matches at Victory Road quickly tilted the MEM's way as Styles and James Storm were quickly eliminated, leaving Robert Roode to unsuccessfully battle all three men. This fairly dominant win serves as an ominous sign that the Mafia is going to back up their words Sunday night and take all the gold!

The cage main event provided brief action, as Sting and Kurt Angle would trade the edge back and forth for a solid three minutes. Coming out of a commercial break, Sting would dodge an Angle Slam to lock in the Scorpion Death Lock, but Samoa Joe stormed the cage, locking the door behind him! While Sting was waiting for him, putting The Samoan Submission Machine in the SDL himself! However, then the lights cut out, and the "FTW" logo flashed on the video screen, leaving little doubt that legendary former ECW World Champion Taz will make his debut as Joe's advisor at Victory Road. The show ended with Joe choking Sting out as the lights came back up.

by Thomas Keister

WWE Superstars continues the march to Night of Champions on July 26, setting up one definite and one potential title match for the all-title match pay-per-view.

SmackDown's contribution would open the show, featuring Cryme Time, accompanied by Eve Torres, squaring off against The Hart Dynasty, escorted to the ring, as always, by Natalia. While the tag team wrestling scene has teetered on the edge of becoming irrelevant in the past several months, it was nice to see two dedicated tag teams kicking off the show. David Hart Smith and Tyson Kidd took an early advantage and engaged a classic playbook, isolating Shad Gaspard in their half of the ring and concentrating the attack on the big man's legs following a chop block by Gaspard. The experience factor may have played the biggest part in this match, as following a breakdown where all 4 men would battle as the Diva fought outside the ring, JTG gained the pin on Kidd to gain the win for Cryme Tyme. When they get a shot at the Unified WWE Tag Team titles is anyone's guess. I'm just glad Night of Champions is the next pay-per-view, so at least we'll have managed to see a Tag Title match at back-to-back events.

Intercontinental Champion Rey Mysterio then hit the ring following the commercial break to discuss the run-in by the now-sidelined Edge and Dolph Ziggler last week at the conclusion of the outstanding IC title match between Mysterio and Unified WWE Tag Team Champion Chris Jericho. Ziggler came out to respond, but Mysterio cut him off to call him out for not being the first to "dye his hair blond, do a couple of sit-ups, and walk around like a peacock." Ziggler then made a challenge to Mysterio for an Intercontinental title match at Night of Champions. A brief chase would follow, with Mysterio getting a couple of shots in on a retreating Ziggler.

Katie Lea Burchill would face Brie Bella in the ECW match for the evening. This was about as standard a Divas match as you are gonna see. While Burchill is not that bad a competitor, it seemed a little obvious that Burchill was wrestling down to match the ability of Bella. Neither woman is anywhere near gold in World Wrestling Entertainment, and judging by the piped-in crowd reaction, that is unlikely to change anytime soon. This is especially disappointing in the case of Burchill, who lost a second straight to the Bellas when they played another "switcheroo."

The main event for Superstars tonight was courtesy of Raw, as United States Champion Kofi Kingston drew the short straw in getting to face The Big Show, albeit in non-title action. Let's face it, with the Orton/HHH/Cena triangle playing out on Monday nights, The Big Show has become another odd man out in the WWE Championship picture, and it seems Show may have to settle for the United States title, if he has his way. Kingston tried the simplest plan, using his speed and agilty to try and get Big Show off-balance, but in a matter of seconds, the largest athlete in the world was firmly in control. Kingston would valiantly kick out of a pin attempt after a sidewalk slam, only serving to frustrate his much larger opponent. Rallying, Kingston tried Trouble in Paradise, but was blocked away with a swat of Show's arm, leading to a thundering chokeslam and the win. Expect this to be a lead-up for Kingston's title defense to be against The Big Show at Night of Champions.

by Thomas Keister

Good merciful God or (insert diety here), would somebody, anybody, please muster up the courage to tell this withered bag of skank to put a fucking jacket on? A lifetime of handjobbing whoever happened to be within arms' length, and this is the result? Maybe you oughta go wax your daughter's eyebrow, maybe that would tone up your dickbeaters. Seriously, Madonna has went well beyond hot, sex symbol, or whatever delusional state she's residing in at present, cause last time I saw an arm like this on somebody, they were a fixin' to close the casket. Go dial up a plastic surgeon. Maybe six or seven of them.

by Thomas Keister

If you needed any further proof the economy is willing to try damn near anything to turn sagging numbers around, Sears has already started putting out the X-mas stuff. On Sunday, in addition to 372 Sears locations opening Christmas decor shops, the company launched Christmas Lane, an online portion of Sears.com and Kmart.com. Yep. A major retailer started setting out the Christmas shit on the Fourth of July weekend. Starts to make you wonder why the fuck they bother to take it down in the first place. Last year, several major retailers started putting out some of the seasonal junk in September. Sounds to me like a plot. September, then July. At the rate they are going, they are going to work backwards through the calendar and launch a second X-mas...

It's that time of the year again, when the new words hit the dictionary. The newest edition of the Merriam-Webster Collegiate Dictionary had added almost 100 new words, including the loathesome staycation, as well as frenemy, which they helpfully define as someone who acts like a friend but is really an enemy (glad they were there to tell us that). Although, when you think about it, how the hell does that work? Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and have your frenemies literally hiding in the freakin bushes outside your house?...

Finally, in a great victory for freedom of expression, I suppose, William Junge gained satisfaction at the hands of the Nevada Department of Motor Vehicles, when the state's Supreme Court ruled that the DMV could not refuse him vanity plates that read, simply, "HOE." In their ruling, the court held that "a reasonable mind would not accept the Urban Dictionary entries alone as adequate to support a conclusion that the word 'HOE' is offensive or inappropriate," in regards to the DMV's basis for refusal, the word's definition on the Internet site Urban Dictionary. Does this mean that Indiana won't be able to refuse me my "CUNHELL" plates?

by Korah Kay

I can see it now, "St. Michael Jackson!" There was a letter in the paper the other day going on about how many millions of dollars Jackson has donated to various charities, but I notice the writer failed to mention how many millions of dollars Jackson spent to make child molestation charges go away!

You do not pay out millions of dollars for something you are innocent of doing! Of course, he was not the only pervert in the mix. I'm talking about the parents that were more interested in the amount of money they could make off their kids' suffering, than in gaining justice for them! Something tells me you are gonna regret that on down the road, when your kids are pulling the strings and you are in a nursing home. In Guatemala.

Now, people are wondering where Jackson is going to be buried. Yes, sadly it is hardly surprising that people are actually wondering about that. I for one just don't care, just so long as you bury him already- with or without his brain, in concrete or not, at Neverland Ranch or in a shallow ditch - he's been dead for two weeks for God's sake!