by Thomas Keister
Sometimes, when I hear about companies getting busted on truth in advertising, or some overly optimistic politician fishing for popularity with some kind of truth in legislation bill, I start thinking that there ought to be a truth in cable television channel naming.
Take for example, The Learning Channel. The only thing I have ever picked up from The Learning Channel is they will apparently give a show to anyone. How we haven't seen Andy Dick hosting America's Rest Stop Bathrooms is beyond me. Couldn't get much worse than Sarah Palin's Alaska, which TLC has mercifully seen fit to pull the plug on. Damn shame...I hear they were gonna have Sarah and Michelle Bachman throw down in a mudpit for sweeps week during the second season...nothing like a little hot dingbat on dingbat action, I suppose...

Not to be outdone, The History Channel recently announced they were not going to air a miniseries on the Kennedy family, saying it was not "a fit for The History Channel brand. Hmph. The History Channel brand, they say.
The History Channel, which airs Ice Road Truckers, Pawn Stars, American Pickers, and Ax Men, in addition to flotsam about ancient aliens and the fucking Da Vinci Code, thinks a miniseries on the Kennedys is beneath them. Thank God there was no sex tape footage of Bristol Palin getting knocked up, cause something tells me the bidding war would come down to The History Channel, TLC, and TMZ...truly, The History Channel is now officially the MTV of educational programming.

Naturally, an article on some of the accomplices behind TV's role in The Dumbening would not be complete without mentioning the current most egregious offender: MTV and its Jersey Shore, which I personally believe is responsible for the massive fish and bird kills around the world as of late, set an all-time ratings record for a series on that network with 8.45 million tuning in to watch people a tenth as smart earn ten times more than they ever will. All I can say is it's a damn good thing herpes is not visually transmitted.
Now, if you will excuse me, I have a production meeting to prepare for- an opportunity to produce a reality show. It is either going to be America's Next Top Hobo, or something involving Willow Palin and some gay midgets dipping rescued pit bulls in chocolate in the back of a pawn shop. Or some shit like that. Really need to start reading my production meeting notes...