by Thomas Keister

So there I was, getting ready to go to sleep, when I saw it. It was four in the morning, I had already seen the Law & Order: Criminal Intent re-run on USA, so I was in the process of shutting off the light and the living room TV when an ad came on for one of the damnedest things I have ever seen.

In what may the most absolutely fucktarded new trend in home exercise, for the ridiculously low, how could you not buy two or three of these price of $19.95 (plus shipping and handling, natch), you could get your very own Cardio Jump system, complete with instructional workout DVD. And what exactly is a Cardio Jump, you ask? It is a pair of handles with weights on the end to simulate jumping rope? Yes, you read that correctly. Now for sale, the ropeless jump rope. Here I was, thinking it couldn't get anymore obnoxious than powerwalking.

As is traditional with stories like this, I will allow you at home reading this to facepalm momentarily before continuing. Some devious genius has found a way to sell half a jump rope for twenty bucks, while you can probably buy a real honest-to-God jump rope for a dollar or less. Why can't somebody just jump up and down and twirl their wrists like they are jumping rope? At least then they would simply look like a potential mental patient, not somebody who spent twenty dollars on this bullshit.

One of the commercials selling points is that people can use it where there normally isn't room, like in the living room or something similar. Great thinking there, genius. Now the people living in apartments everywhere can be slowly driven batshit crazy by the future piano crate funeral material attempting to shed off the morbid obesity by *shudder* jumping up and down. Bet the shattered ankle rate is going to triple in relation to the sales of this thing.

Hard not to think this is further proof we're all doomed. Personally, I thought the population of this planet mudball had reached the apex of laziness with the advent of watching poker on TV. Don't look at me like that. What does it, in fact, say about us when we don't want to go outside because we want to watch some people play cards. On TV. But this Cardio Jump thing? This enables laziness, because I would much rather watch TV than jump imaginary rope. More to the point, I would much rather watch TV than in all likelihood 99.98% of all that which can be imaginary.

Wonder what's on tonight after WWE Smackdown?

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