by Thomas Keister

Looks like the original Black Sabbath reunion has run its course, people. Ozzy Osbourne has filed lawsuit against Tony Iommi over royalty payments, and is seeking a half-ownership of the band's trademark, among other things. Guess that is the next logical chapter for a band that has been around in one form or another for over forty years. Can't wait for somebody to parody up these kind of situations, Spinal Tap-style. Iommi, who registered the trademark in the United States in 2000, said Osbourne surrendered his rights to the Black Sabbath name in the 1980s. Osbourne said his ultimate goal is for all four original members to have an equal share in a statement released Friday, which also asked Iommi to "do the right thing," which is presumably NOT releasing another mediocre album with Ronnie James Dio on vocals...

I know what you may be thinking when checking out this picture. No, attention whoring is not illegal...yet...so Angelina Jolie is not being arrested for real. Apparently, this has something to do with her latest film, the action flick Salt. According to recent reports on RadarOnline.com, Jolie suffered a minor cut on her forehead and a "slight" concussion. Yeah, it would have to be slight. Upon reading this, I found myself wondering if I owe someone five bucks or something. I mean, even a "slight" concussion means there is just enough grey matter in that skull to be medically detectable. Damn...

Like you couldn't have seen this one coming. Nadya Suleman (best picture we could find at left), whose unfettered lust for fame may not, in fact, know any boundaries, has finally managed to sign a deal to get her own damn reality show. Of course she fucking did. Why the hell else would her stupid ass crank out children like Uwe Boll cranks out shit movies? No one was hiring an Angelina Jolie knock-off (and not even a very good one, for starters), she wasn't going to pole dance anymore, cause supporting single mothers be damned, there ain't anyone out there, not even in the deepest and darkest realms of fetishes and sick obsessions, willing to cram a hard-earned dollar bill into the g-string of some chick with fourteen children (and every extra conceivable ounce of baggage you would imagine would go with that) and stretch marks that would probably drive Vincent Price to crystal meth. So now we're gonna get subjected to that hot mess. Because you know, even if you don't watch it, odds are you know some real stupid motherfucker who will. Not to trash on my own people, but I can probably think of at least two people I know who would probably check it out. Let's hope this concept wears out faster than her uterus did.