by Thomas Keister
The Real Biggest Losers of South Carolina?: This was definitely one of those stories you had to read twice, cause God knows I did when I caught sight of it on Fark.com earlier today. Jerri Gray, 49, of Travelers Rest, South Carolina, was apprehended in Baltimore and returned to Greenville over failing to appear in court to answer why she allowed her teenage son to turn into a 555-lb pound barrel of gravy.
555 pounds? Damn, even at the risk of incurring wrath from not only my mom, but my grandmother (may she rest in peace), ain't NO ONE's home cooking that damn good. Gray was expected to appear in Family Court over the health risks presented to her son, with whom she then fled the state, leading to a nationwide alert, in which law enforcement and every Golden Corral and Chinese buffet in a ten-state region was put on Defcon 1. What? Yeah, okay...I want to see a 555 pound person flee ANYWHERE, because honestly, how fast can a dump truck travel fully loaded. I have not seen any pictures of Gray or her son, but something tells me she might just be a silly roving land monster herself. Gray is being held in custody until her next hearing, and while I'm firmly against torture, let me also say I am fully for giving this poor excuse for a human bread and water until then. It may not be humane, but neither is letting a child balloon to that size, even if you do think you can get a reality show (or an appearance on Steve Wilkos) out of it...
...meanwhile, a woman in Zimbabwe was recently given a suspended sentence after she had "supernaturally" flown from one city to another in a basket to kill a relative. My first thought upon reading this?...when did my most recent ex-wife learn to drive a basket?
Yeah, gas is creeping back up toward $3 a gallon, whether due to North Korea photoshopping another missile test, or the nation's baffling obsession with Jon and that shrill bitch and their 8 kids, all of whom are in store for massive, intense, just this side shy of electro-shock freakin' therapy, or whatever the bullshit reason being spoon-fed to us this week.
But fuck all that...LOOK AT THIS TRUCK!!! I'm not a truck person, not by any stretch of the imagination, but LOOK AT THIS TRUCK!!! If I pulled up to the CMA awards, or a Larry the Cable Guy movie, or just to an all-you-can-keep-down catfish jamboree in this bad motherfucker, I would immediately be crowned their king, if only for that one night. May even be worth it, scoring the kind of chicks who have the "Skoal Circle" permanently imprinted in the back pocket of their tiny shorts...ah, the daydreams...
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