by Thomas Keister

IT's BIG IN EUROPE DIVISION: So, Drew Carey's big on promoting professional soccer in the United States, is he? Hmph. First funny thing he's said in a couple of years, and it's a soccer joke? Dude, I understand from the article you're a part owner of the Seattle Sounders in MLS, but you'll be money ahead to just stick to the frickin' Price is Right...they may be selling out games here in their first season, but the novelty is not going to last that long...

TINFOIL HAT DIVISION, GOLD MEDALIST: Mark Geragos. The attorney and all-around classy m'fer (past clients include Michael Jackson, Scott Peterson, and Chris Brown) is now representing the family of martial arts legend and film star David Carradine. Let the games begin. Geragos has advanced a theory that a shadowy martial arts faction may have killed Carradine, much in the same way that martial arts legend Bruce Lee was rumored to have died. The New York Times reported the claim Geragos made that Carradine was "attempting to uncover groups working in the martial-arts underworld at the time of his death." Pure and absolute What The Fuck? Geragos wants the FBI to investigate Carradine's death. (Insert Diety Here) knows I'll probably get sued for calling that fucking dingbat Geragos a fucking dingbat, but who the hell takes someone seriously after a dingbat fucking statement like this?...

CRIMINAL MASTERMIND DIVISION: The unidentified douchenozzle who tried to mug a woman out with friends in Santa Rosa, California. He snatched her wallet and made a run for it, but the woman quarterbacked a 12-pack of Miller Lite longnecks at the guy and took his ass down! Only a true dumbass gets taken out by a dozen beers he didn't even drink...Honorable douchnozzle status goes to the guys who witnessed the incident but did nothing to help the women in the first place...

AIN'T THAT A BITCH DIVISION: Dr. Letizia Bossini, a researcher has found a possible way to treat impotence. The only problem is it apparently involves being exposed to fluorescent lighting. No wonder there are so many workplace romances, cause we all know how much better each other looks under fluorescent lighting. The therapy showed improvement (or "cured," as the article put it) for three of the five men suffering from sexual disorders. Okay, whatever...bright light cures impotence...can we freakin move on to curing cancer or some shit already?...

WISHFUL DAMN THINKING DIVISION: As much as it pains me to do this, I have to give a "TWiF" to Richard Lee, the founder of TaxCannabis2010.org, a sponsor of the initiative to legalize marijuana in California. Not that I don't wholeheartedly support Lee and his group's efforts, their optimism may be setting them up for heartbreak. Just ask the Prop 8 people. While this is a fiscally responsible and intellectually honest plan to help turn around a financially reeling California, you know the right-wing will spike out their collective blood pressure in trying to cut this off at the knees, whether in the name of saving us all from ourselves or continued suckling at the teet of Ronald Reagan's legacy. Lee thinks "the tides have turned." I hope so, but I'm just gonna stay here on shore until all is said and done. If I'm gonna get swept away with those tides, I'd at least like a joint for the ride...

TALK ABOUT A CASE OF THE MONDAYS DIVISION: Raul Roque, a 52-year-old Florida inmate already serving a life sentence for murder racked up another one, as he was convicted of murder for stabbing a fellow inmate to death over, among other things, a stolen honey bun. See, this is why I am NOT a breakfast person. Just let me have my two or three cups of coffee, and we'll be fine. The state intends to seek the death penalty when the penalty phase of the trial begins Tuesday at Lake County Judicial Complex. For the love of God, let's hope they don't put Twinkie the Kid in as his new cellie...

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