by Thomas Keister

So now I guess there is going to be a war on incense...two Sarasota, Florida high schoolers pulled an epic fail worthy of an American Pie flick when they  wound up in the hospital after smoking a "popular mix of herbs" sold under the name K2. While the mix is marketed as mimicing the effects of marijuana, the stuff is sold as incense and is therefore not something you are supposed to roll a joint of and light up. Even if you think it would make a great YouTube  clip. Oh yeah, and the freaking package said it was incense, and literally said "not for human consumption" on the label.

The Sarasota County Sheriff's Office is now asking parents to talk with their children about K2. Cause God knows now everyone is gonna want to run out and  smoke a pipe full of freakin incense. You can only imagine the popularity level of the two dingbats that got sick over this, as I am positive one or two kids  from that high school got sat down for "the talk" from their parents, about the evils of incense. Wonder if Obama will appoint an Incense czar? Or would that be the Director of the White House Office of Air Freshener Affairs?...

...Not that this is dumb, but at least just as stupid, is the news that random drug tests will begin at this year's World Pie Eating Championship in Greater  Manchester. This actually may be one of the absolute saddest damn things I have ever read. And I've occasionally covered Jon and Kate on my radio show. If it doesn't get any sadder (read pathetic) than Jon and Kate, I pray it does not get a half season committment from E!

Anyhow, back to the competitive eaters. Random drug tests? These are to prevent what Championships Executive President Tony Callaghan calls a lubricative advantage. Frankly, I am shocked. I always figured the phrase "lubricative advantage" would be applied in an oral sex kind of way. Now, all I see is some 240  pound barrel of crap eating a bar of Crisco so the freakin six inch hoagie slides down his gullet like a log in a wood chipper. And he gets a fucking trophy for it.

The facepalm moment in this story occurs when one learns they are testing for cough mixture, which I can only assume is across the pond for freakin  Robitussin. This can allow a gaping maw to suck a pie down up to two whole seconds quicker, according to Callaghan. Two. Damn. Seconds. Damn you, Tiger Woods, your dalliances have pushed far more deserving sports news, like the Tussin scandal in championship competitive eating, right off the front page. Hope that sampler pack of schoochie was worth it...