by Thomas Keister

Heading into today's South Carolina primary, I really do wish write-in candidates were allowed in that state. Not only would Stephen Colbert's exploratory committee/super PAC thing be even funnier than it is currently, but I think he'd actually win. At least he's being funny on purpose, and that's while being more serious as a comedian than 99% of the politicians are while wasting all of our good air on Capitol Hill. I'd make a joke here about someone needing to write them a ticket for loitering, but seeing how they've already wiped their asses with the Constitution, maybe they are holding out hope the citations are more absorbent...

Yes, on this week's Probably Uncalled For, I did say that if a hooker can not even get the retail value of an order of drive-thru chicken nuggets for that vagina, then maybe he or she deserves to starve to death. It's called natural selection. Trying selling that schoochie for some crack, then ya might get some sympathy...then again, I also said I'd rather pound a $3 hooker than eat anything from a Mickey D's...

Warren Buffett coughed up a check for a whopping $49,000 to help pay down the national debt. Wow, the thimble runneth under...compared to our national debt, not only is $49,000 a futile gesture, it's the equivalent of waving to a hooker- while enjoying your delicious Chicken McNuggets from McDonald's...

Meanwhile, news broke in Canada that Jeffrey Paul Delisle, a sub-lieutenant and intelligence officer in the Royal Canadian Navy, was arrested on suspicion of selling military secrets. Wait, what? Canada has military secrets? They got like what, four boats and seven aircraft? What the hell did this guy sell, the location of the strategic maple syrup reserve, or better, yet...the real Stanley Cup, not the stunt double they give the American teams that win every year. See, now that's a conspiracy theory I can get behind...