by Thomas Keister
I thought it had been too quiet lately. I mean, what had it been, a week or more since the gaping maw of Alaska Governor Sarah Palin had sounded out from the Yukon, or wherever it is she sleeps upside down while witch hunters pray around her in a drum circle. Don't get me wrong. If some freshman member of the Junior Douchebag League went on a tv talk show and talked about parking one of my daughters' heels on his shoulders, I'd be understandably pissed off, while waiting for the seven-day waiting period to pass down at the gun shop.
In an episode of Tyra Banks' so-called show, set to air today, Levi Johnston, perhaps the best known high school dropout in America thanks to his one-time relationship and child with Gov. Palin's daughter Bristol, dished it up about railing her while living in Palin's home. "I'm pretty sure she probably knew. Moms are pretty smart," Johnston said during the interview. Fair enough. I'm sure most moms would know if their daughter is front loading her boyfriend, especially if they both live in the mom's home, but Sarah Palin and smart have never exactly been on cordial terms. I guess when it comes to abstinence, what happens in the Palin house stays in the Palin house, or at least until the baby bump's too hard to hide.
Not one prone to letting the other side have the last word, Palin fired up the family yeshole (powered via generator at the Palin's lakeside home) and released the following statement:
"Bristol did not even know Levi was going on the show. We're disappointed that Levi and his family, in a quest for fame, attention, and fortune, are engaging in flat-out lies, gross exaggeration, and even distortion of their relationship. Bristol's focus will remain on raising Tripp, completing her education, and advocating abstinence. It is unfortunate that Levi finds it more appealing to exploit his previous relationship with Bristol than to contribute to the well being of the child. Bristol realizes now that she made a mistake in her relationship and is the one taking responsibility for their actions."
Uh...okay. Let's take a look at that. The Palins are disappointed that someone is engaging in a quest for fame, attention, and fortune. Would one not wonder, I wonder, if running for Vice-President of the United States would qualify as questing for fame and attention? Disappointed over the use of flat-out lies, gross exaggerations, and distortions? Lady, you're Sarah freakin' Palin. I know you try to read a lot, you made that much clear during your ill-fated bid to be John McCain's right-hand dingbat, but have you ever tried tallying up all the flat-out lies, gross exaggerations, and distortions you have dropped on the public like an overfull pidgeon in afternoon rush hour? Indeed, I thought not.
The statement concludes by informing all of us that Bristol is focusing on raising her kid, completing her education, and advocating abstinence (yeah, as big a hit as OJ Simpson, relationship coach), along with some hot mess yakkety yak about Johnston "exploiting his previous relationship" with Bristol, and how she has realized her mistake in her relationship, freakin' yawn. All I can say at this point is thank the heavens there was no sex tape. That we know of.
by Thomas Keister